Diary of a Gossip Girl Virgin – Beware of cougar

(Season 2, Episode 3)

The second season of Gossip Girl is slowly starting to look like it’s picking up speed and I finally feel like I really know the characters. Of course, I realize that as soon as I get comfortable with who these characters are, the writers are going to do something nuts and pull the rug out from under my feet (note the three prepositions in a row to show maximum intensity/confusion). Like, is Chuck secretly a woman with a casual love of elaborate smoking jackets? Wait, wait. Actually, don’t tell me.

“The Dark Night” (oh, I see what you did there)

Does every mainstream show have to include at least one blackout-based story? There’s always someone sweating in an elevator or getting stuck in the design studio with their enemy’s mother.

All right, let’s get down to business. This whole pool of characters is a mess. Blair can’t get any action from her British guy, save for some sloppy adolescent kissing and over-sweater groping. On the other hand, Chuck is having difficulty getting it on with other ladies because he’s too hung up on Blair. This leads to the best quote of the episode: “You are not using Blair as sexual Draino!” That’s quality, right there. Admittedly, this struggle is somewhat endearing, but I will always think of Chuck as being a little rape-scary because of his initial aggressive advances toward Jenny and Serena. Sorry, but once you write that in, it’s tough to disregard.

Serena and Dan — arguably two of the less interesting characters on the show, surprisingly — get stuck in an elevator and have a serious conversation. And pretend I just said “serious” in a really goofy voice. Matters of class and status are raised and addressed and then Dan tries to climb out of an elevator and busts up his shoulder. That’s usually how socio-economically sensitive conversations usually end, yeah.

The nonsense happening in the Catherine/Nate/Vanessa triangle is probably the most exciting to me. I’d rather see how that unravels than watch more Dan/Serena stuff (although their encounter with the tiny gossip girls was kind of adorable). Let me get this straight: Nate is pretty much whoring himself out to Catherine, the cougar with sleepy eyes and perma-bitch-face. He extra-likes Vanessa but has to maintain his deal with Catherine so that he and his family don’t become super-poor and/or daddy-less, with the former probably being the most important because these kids need high thread count. Vanessa also extra-likes Nate back and so she lets Catherine have him so as not to ruin his family. This all ends with a comforting side-hug from Dan Humphrey, who doesn’t fall and bust his shoulder again. Clear? Clear.

In other news, if the Gossip Girl voice had a face, I would punch it. Heaven forfend I ever run into Kristen Bell right after I watch an episode.

Clacked by Annie Wu
on Jun 30, 2009 @ 16:00 EST5EDT