Tom and Heidi and Kendra and Jenny, oh my!

by Tara Shrodes

And I thought my parents fought a lot.

Sometimes I just want Sober House to be over. And sometimes, the devil on my shoulder wants this show to go on and on. Does that make me a bad person? Who cares? Because there are so many messed up people on Sober House we don’t have to think about me.

If you’ve been following along with my last reviews, and I hope you have … then you know that this extension of Dr. Drew Pinsky’s show Celebrity Rehab is just fascinating. There are so many fights with these celebrities on their journey to recovery that Mike Tyson would even be a bit appalled. Let’s break it down, shall we?

First: Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss. When the show begins, we pick up on their argument from last week. I like to call this The Sushi Incident. Heidi went to court and came back to the Sober House high. They sequester her on the balcony until Dr. Drew can get there. But ole Heidi gets wind of Tom about to get really angry at Mike Starr, by peeking over her perch to the deck and eavesdropping. Or Kravitzing, as I like to call it. A la Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched, the nosy neighbor.

Heidi is such an evil genius. And after her rock and roll ride with Tom for several years, she knows just what buttons to push. So she escapes and enters into the discussion. All she has to do is put a simple plate of sushi in front of Tom. She tells him to “eat it … you a$#hole.” Then, she beats it, and Tom flings the sushi and takes his spitty, sweaty anger out on Mike.

Long story short … Dr. Drew walks in on mayhem. He separates Tom and Heidi and Mike. He soothes all, and gets Tom to apologize to Mike. Tom admits to Mike that he is just mad at Heidi. They hug it out Man. Then Tom and Heidi meet with Dr. Drew, and discuss whether or not they can continue living at the Sober House with each other.

I’m cynical. I know that Dr. Drew wants them both there, so we can all watch the unending drama. Tom and Heidi want a paycheck and camera time. After all, this is the juiciest thing that’s happened to them in years. Press! And sadly, people like me gawking. Which means ratings. What a tangled web.

Tom and Heidi pledge that they will stay away from each other, even through immense hatred. She says, “I can stop arguing with him. I’m very adult.” Yeah, right. And calls him a woman beater. He says he is fine with her being there even though he was stigmatized. She’s a liar and a “f’ed up broad.” Why did I rub my hands together in glee at this point?

Kendra Rossi and Jenny Ketchem provided the last half hour’s jollies. Until now, they’ve been BFFs. No more. Jenny gets mad when Kendra plays banana smack in the Jacuzzi with Seth Binzer. For those of you not familiar with banana smack, you peel a banana and hit each other with it. I know it was probably something better in your imagination. Sorry.

Jenny tells them to please stop it, as she was a dominatrix in her former addicted to sex life, and it makes her all twirly in her panties. Which jeopardizes her sobriety. They laugh her off.

Things are escalating like the bad economy between these two, who have both asked Sober House head Jen Gimenez to be a kindergarten cop and keep them away from each other.

As we leave, next week it looks like Mike gets kicked out again, Jennifer Gimenez has a melt down and might get fired, and Dennis Rodman may go to jail. I was wondering when Jen G. was gonna lose it with all these freaks. What are you watching besides this lovely atrocity?