Do I have a breaded condom in my mouth?

I knew I’d get your attention with my headline. But I can’t take full credit for it.  I’m just the messenger. The question comes from the lips of my hottie Gordon Ramsay, and he’s talking about frozen fried fish. My, so far the innuendos are flying here, so let’s get right to my review of this weeks’ Kitchen Nightmares, shall we? Right!

As Gordon would say I was bloody interested in this episode, as I used to work at the restaurant that Gordon is visiting. It’s in St. Clair Shores, Michigan. Jack’s Waterfront. It was the bane of my existence as a lovely young waitress/actor in the mid ’90s. Jack’s was under different and much more Nazi-like management then, and I was fired for not “looking happy enough and wearing too little makeup.”  I wish Gordon had visited there then. Our eyes would have met across the hot plate, and he would have taken me away to a secure mansion in Middlesussex or somewhere. Then … but I digress!

It seems my evildoer owners made an exit a year before Gordon’s entrance, and sold out to a group of three bodybuilders, Tammer, Jim and Scott. And one old guy, Tammer’s Dad and hapless General Manager, A.J.

As Gordon goes into my former place of Hell on Earth, I gasped. Not a change in 15 years. I even saw booth 22. *shudder* Gordon first samples the menu, thus my headline, and finds it utterly appalling that a waterfront restaurant is serving frozen fish! Frankly, that never made any sense to me either.

Gordon then meets with the owners. He asks that someone take responsibility for the filthy kitchen, frozen food, lack of customers, and overall mayhem. Pointing fingers abound.

Most of these fingers point to A.J. The owners say the reason they bought the restaurant was A.J.’s promise of  over 40 years of restaurant experience. Jim, Tammer, and Scott have absolutely zilcho knowledge. This trust in A.J. turns out to be their worst mistake.

I’ve been watching Gordon for a long time now, and I can tell when he takes an instant and total dislike to someone. And from the first time he drops his f’bomb on A.J., I can see the way this will end.

A.J. likey the ouzo. And messing around with the customers. He’s just total dead weight. Further angering my Gordon is his salary … can anyone say 100K? Moses!

You know what happens now. Gordon observes as it all hits the fan the first night. The kitchen is run, and I use that term loosely, by Aaron the chef. He has no control over his motley crew of cooks, who curse at him or just plain go out for a smoke when the rush and heat get to be too much for them.  Customers fume. Food is sent back faster than  a hairball goes through a kitten, and Gordon rubs his handsome face and fíng says the F word.

Meanwhile, A.J. has a libation or two, schmoozes, and wanders around aimlessly when asked to take control. Gordon busts a blood vessel or two in his throat in the post dinner meeting with the owners, and sets about trying to save the day.

Gordon brings in local fresh fish. He gives chef Aaron a pep talk. And, of course, Gordon inspects the kitchen. This part of the show always freaks me out, and makes me never want to eat out ever again in my lifetime. Blurgh!

Overnight, presto! Some decor changes, and a good scrubbing. The relaunch is packed, even in a winter storm. I’m familiar with these, and I loved it when Gordon is outside Jack’s giving us an update and just screams out, “F me it’s cold!” Welcome to Michigan, ya old hottie.

Predictably with this show, the relaunch goes much better. Aaron takes control of the kitchen staff, and the three bodybuilders get it together. But that still leaves us with the problem of 100K A.J.

And at the final meeting, everyone comes down on him, and asks him to reduce his hours and take a pay cut. Ouchy. In the wrap up, his son Tammer tells us he ended up having to fire his own Dad. Tammer, would you like the name of a good therapist?

Thus, farewell Jack’s Waterfront. Hopefully, my Gordon and I are done with you for good!

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Apr 17, 2010 @ 10:00 EST5EDT