Gordon Ramsay is coming back to your restaurant. Are you ready?

Some restaurant owners are lucky enough to meet Gordon Ramsay once. Through his show, Kitchen Nightmares, the five-star chef will breeze through and change their businesses and their lives for the better. And every so often, just when they think they’re safe, Gordon will return. Then we get a special edition of the show, called Revisited. I admit to loving these, not only because the episodes are rare as Girl Scout cookies, but because KNMs always leaves me wondering if these restaurant owners will truly listen to Gordon’s advice.

We all know that change is scary. I know I hate change. I still have a Peanuts pillowcase from 1972, for gosh sakes. It’s cute! Lucy is getting dog kisses from Snoopy, see, and the caption is “A kiss on the nose does much to turn aside anger.” That Charles Schultz! People should have paid more attention to his wisdom.

Just like the asshat owners of these three restaurants that my Gordon revisits. (Please refer to former KNM articles about our love affair. Just so you know, it’s lovely in New Middlesussex West Hampfordshire this time of year.)

First up, Handlebar. A weird name for an eatery, until you see the owner and the cat under his lip. Then it makes sense. Billy is his name, and whatever you do, don’t criticize him. What? That’s like telling my Gordon not to harbor a secret passion for me, one that even he is not aware of. Impossible!

A year ago, they scuffled and scraped and swore at each other. What do you mean that sounds like your first marriage? Pay attention! OK. So Gordon whupped it all together after Billy “saw the light.” The light said to Billy “Listen to Gordon and change, or lose your house.” So much for benevolence.

Gordon transformed Handlebar into Long Island’s very first “Gastropub,” which I find a hideous theme, but what do I know? He returns a year later, and we find that Handlebar and Billy’s mustache are still hanging on. But the economy has made itself known. Gordon points out that hundreds of even the best restaurants have closed, and optimistically tells Billy and his wife to just tread water for the next 6 months, and it will all work out. Geez, I hope he’s right, don’t you?

Next up is Casa Roma, in Lancaster California. Last year, my Gordon had a major thorn in his side named Eric the chef here. That happened to me in a place I worked in once. I married him some years ago. Shh. Do not tell Gordon!

Anyway, this Eric the chef informs us that Gordon being a five star Michelin chef just means “he has 4 tires and a spare” to him. Eric makes Gordon a fried sandwich that he literally can squeeze the grease out of. Ew. My Gordon wisely counsels owner Nylah to get rid of him, after Eric takes one too many smoke breaks in between telling Our Hero to “Chill.” Ba Bye!

So everything gets better, and one year later, here we are. Nylah has hired a new chef, ironically from a restaurant she saw on Nightmares, and is no longer taking any crap from anyone. She credits Gordon with changing her life and attitude. Another happy customer, er, owner. Onward!

Ah, the Black Pearl in NYC. I always wondered what happened to this place, due largely to one of the biggest asshat owners (David) in the history of KNMs. This guy is a real piece of work. I’m sure that when I describe him, you’ll recognize the M.O. Arrogant. Offensive. Abusive. In your face. We’ve all done a stint with a boss like this. And usually we ended up joining the revolving door of employees screaming “Save yourselves!” to the newcomers. At least I did.

I found my lip curling just watching this dude. He argues with my Gordon constantly. When Gordon points out that the Maine lobsters are really Canadian, David even has the nerve to say that they are still from the North Atlantic waters and crustaceans are crustaceans. Pa-leeze. He doesn’t like the new decor. He doesn’t think the new menu is any good. (Even though his old menu was so bad, Gordon proclaimed the food on par with “eating a wet diaper.” I know. He’s cute and funny. If you tell him I’m married, I’ll be really mad.)

So what’s the fate of the Black Pearl a year later? Closed! And when Gordon talks to his favorite waiter who used to work there, we learn that even the last paychecks bounced. David reverted the menu back to foreign lobsters and wet diapers. Ooops. Sorry David! How is that crow tasting?

And so ends another season. Kisses to you my Gordon! When will they all listen?

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on May 22, 2010 @ 10:05 EST5EDT