Quotation Marks – Bringing you the funny, week after week

Question for you all: do these quotes ever make you want to go back and watch the show? I’m raising my hand, as those blasted Bleep My Dad Says and Glee quotes make me wonder why I’m not watching. What about you … did you find anything here that you want to check out? As always, if your favorite quote of the week is missing, be sure to point it out in the comments!!

Desperate Housewives

“What the hell is wrong with you people? First you take out my mother-in-law, then you go after my daughter. Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?” – Gaby, after Bree nearly ran over little Juanita

“So I see you let our tomato plants wither, just like you did our relationship.” – Lee
“Well that’s what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes.” – Bob

The Glades

“I’ve never seen fairways so tight. Did you see that approach shot, on 12?” – Jim
“No, no, no. But did you see the dead body in front of me?” – Carlos

“I was at my house, watching Hot Tub Time Machine on pay-per-view.” – Terry (a suspect)
“Now THAT is a good alibi. No one would lie about that.” – Jim

The Amazing Race

“When your teammate is doing the Road Block you certainly have that element of feeling helpless because you can’t help them.” – Thomas, defining the word helpless

“I’m just so proud I haven’t soiled myself.” – Connor
“Yeah, I think I might have.” – Jonathan, during their kamikaze cab ride to the Pit Stop

How I Met Your Mother

“But that’s impossible, you deleted his number!” – Lily
“Well I tried to, but then this thing popped up on my phone and said ‘Are you sure?’ and I wasn’t sure! I can’t lie to my phone!” – Robin

“What’s the matter lady? Scared?” – Kid
“Of you? Please, I’m a kindergarten teacher.” – Lily
“I hated kindergarten … all three times.” – Kid

“Where’s the poop, Robin?” – Lily
“How do you do that? You’re like a bomb-sniffing dog, except with poop. You’re a poop-sniffing dog!” – Robin

Chuck

“You know I was thinkin’ about how some of my favorite movies wind up in air ducts. Like Aliens, Die Hard, although generally speaking, it doesn’t wind up well for the duct crawlers.” – Chuck
“Thanks for that, movie dork. I bet you have like a Tron poster in your room.” – Heather

House

“You think you can try to get her to kill herself again? We could use more time.” – Chase

“I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.” – House
“I’m pretty attached to mine.” – Cuddy

When House whacks the observation glass and wakes Taub:
“What the Hell?” – Taub
“Close. House.” – Foreman

Gossip Girl

“How can she even see time through all that sparkly?” – Dorota, on Chuck’s gift to Eva

“And its your business to be monitoring Nate and Juliet? And even worse Humphrey and dumpty?” – Blair

“Dan you’ve been sleeping all day, cutting class … I caught you watching Wild Hogs and laughing….” – Vanessa

CBS This Morning

“You know that telling the whole world that you don’t believe in God is going to, you know, have people say, ‘Oh my goodness, you know, that’s a terrible thing for him to say….'” CBS Sunday Morning Reporter Rita Braver

“When the whole world doesn’t believe in God, it’ll be a great place.” Author Philip Roth

Hawaii Five-0

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with tennis … it can be played on a table….” – Danno

“You want me to book him, Danno?” – McGarrett
“That’s funny?” – Danno

“I have photos if you want proof….” – McGarrett
“Photoshop.” – Danno

Lie To Me

“Smells like a barista’s underpants in here.” – Cal

“End of the quarter? I mean, what do they think I’m writing here … a check?” – Cal

“How did you find me?” – Salinger
“Magic.” – Cal

Glee

“Suzanne Somers said skipping breakfast is suicide.” – Kurt to his dad

“Sorry, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I’d go to church. And the reason I don’t go to church is because most churches don’t think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.” – Kurt feeling pressured to perform songs of faith in Glee Club

No Ordinary Family

“I’ll keep your little secret – but as far as I’m concerned, you’re still a dumbass.” – Stephanie Powell to her brother JJ concerning his super mental abilities

NCIS

“There will be no living with him now.” – McGee
“Now?” – Ziva

“Are either of you married?… Divorced, huh?” – Tolin’s wife (the FBI AED) to Gibbs and Fornell

“I’m trying to curry favor.” – Fornell (on making dinner)

Cougar Town

“When Stan goes to sleep, just shake a little cereal in his crib. That way, in the morning, he won’t wake us up when he’s hungry. He’ll just eat the ones stuck to his tiny arms.” – Ellie

Raising Hope

“I’ve been thinking about boat names. How about ‘Ship Happens’? ‘The Love Burt’? ‘Aquaholic’? ‘Yeah, Buoy’? I’ll keep thinking.” – Burt

Parenthood

“These kids are kindergarteners … you could light your own fart and they’d think you were Einstein.” – Zeke Braverman to his son-in-law Joel who was stressing out over having to appear in front of his daughter’s class and demonstrate a hobby.

“Step one, apologize … You’re a man, that’s what men do. We apologize. I say three ‘I’m sorries’ when I get out of bed in the morning.” – Adam Braverman giving advice to his brother Crosby on how to smooth over differences with his girlfriend.

The Big C

“Aren’t you afraid of dying?” – Marlene
“I’m more afraid of not getting everything done before I go.” – Cathy
“Nobody has that much time.”  – Marlene

“We need to go see dad.” – Cathy
“I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater.” – Sean

The Middle

“I don’t need you dying early and sticking me with the kids.” – Frankie to Mike, showing just how much she’ll missing him when he’s gone

30 Rock

“What if we have to stay overnight and there aren’t enough rooms so we have to share a room and I forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in and the stores are all closed….” – Jonathan, on his trip with Jack

“I’m gonna have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me, sexually.” – Jenna

“When I was pageantizing my mother told me ‘there’s only three things standing between you and winning — your breasts, and wanting it bad enough.'” – Jenna

Curb Your Enthusiasm virgin diary

“If you think you can have sex with somebody else, then you should do that.” – Cheryl to Larry, agreeing to let Larry have his freebie for their anniversary

Bleep My Dad Says

“I remember you! You’re that nice homosexual from the DMV!” – Ed
“Well … not anymore….” – Tim
“I thought it was genetic?” – Ed

“I want the aphids to stay away from my tomato plants … I want a 12″ cucumber….” – Ed
“HOLLA…!!!” – Gay waiters at the Hotcake Corral yelling at Ed’s exclamation

Smallville

“Break out the marshmallows, Clark.  I’m gonna roast this turkey.” – Lois referring to Gordon Godfrey

“Bye bye, Barbie Dream Desk.” – Lois clearing Cat’s stuff from her desk

“We are so different. Not a bad different, I just don’t know how his chocolate and my peanut butter are going to mix.” – Lois to Oliver about her relationship with Clark

Outlaw

“You talked to a Ralph Nader attorney? You hate Ralph Nader.” – Al
“You know last month Congress watered down what was supposed to be the most important auto safety bill in decades. Why?” – Garza
“I think your exact words were he’s a commie who wants to destroy America” – Al
“Why? Because the auto industry spent 50 million dollars to buy them off.” – Garza

Life Unexpected

“And you know the moment I knew [Paige] was amazing?” – Math
“When she did a shot without her hands?” – Baze
“When she ordered the halibut and asked if I knew it was sustainable.” – Math
“Not where I thought you were going with that….” – Baze

“There’s no dibs in dating … you can’t call takebacks or shotgun.” – Math, who obviously missed the How I Met Your Mother premiere