“We came so close to having one class that wasn’t all about them.” — Vicki
“Remember when they all took that fishing trip on St. Patrick’s Day?” — Neil
“God, that was a good week.” — Starburns
“So have you considered natural childbirth?” – Britta
“Are you kidding me? I’ll take whatever they’ve got. An epidural is a proper Christian woman’s only chance to get to get wrecked.” – Shirley
“I didn’t even know there was a difference between North and South Korean barbecue! I mean, MASH lasted longer than that war, get over it, am I right?” – Dean Pelton
“Okay, everyone, shut up and look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.” – Ron
“I’m like that light bulb. Weak. Flickering. Barely giving off any light. Unable to make out with the light bulb I want to make out with.” – Leslie
“I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild … but I really need to talk to smart Amy right now.” – Sheldon to Amy
“You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy” -Sheldon to Priya
“Bonnie can’t use that much power without dying.” – Elena, on Bonnie killing Klaus
“I’ll write her a great eulogy.” – Damon
“She’ll never forgive you … and never for a vampire is a very long time.” – Elijah to Damon, in reference to Damon forcing Elena to drink his blood
“And your fans were making some nasty comments about me online. …” – Jimmy Iovine
“Were they? You deserve it!” – Miley Cyrus
“Holy crap! I’m a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch which means one thing … I have awesome gaydar.” — Santana after catching Karofsky checking out Sam
“Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, that I can get a sunburn indoors at night, and according to recent legend, I have no soul.” — Emma
“I’m both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways. A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if you’re going to be gay you simply must know who that is.” — Kurt to Karofsky when learning of Santana’s plan
“Legend has it that when I came out of my mother I told the nurse she was fat.” — Santana
“Ugh! You know that guy Jeremy that I thought was so a-MAH-zing? He just pexted me!” — Penny
“Huh? ‘Pext?’” — everyone, confused
“Penis text.” — Penny
“It’s not about intercourse; it’s about meeting someone who is cool and nice, and if intercourse happens to take place, no complaints.” — Penny
“Maybe you’re in a slump ’cause you keep using the word ‘intercourse.’” — Jane
“Tonight was a bust. Let’s go. I DVRed that new weight-loss show for clairvoyants, Large Mediums …?” — Alex
“You know what? You should take the day off work and you should take him on a dad date.” — Jane, encouraging Brad to get closer to his father
“Okay. But I’m not calling it that. ‘Dad Date’ sounds like a terrible Michael Keaton movie.” — Brad
“Or an amazing Ted Danson movie.” — Jane
“I’m gonna get Sasha and bring him back to the Rock.” — Payson
“You don’t even know where he lives.” — Lauren, beneath a black eye mask, who we presumed was asleep
“Wrong, masked stranger.” — Payson, to Lauren
“When you gave this to me to hold, it represented something special. Not just athletic triumph, but everything I believed that you stood for. Courage, strength, kindness, perseverance, and never, ever giving up. Now when I look at it, all I can see is a quitter. You quit on me, you quit on the Rock, you quit on everybody. So — [puts medal down] here. I don’t want it anymore.” — Payson, to Sasha
“You know, I could have gotten them there.” — Darby, to Sasha
“Perhaps, in time. But we don’t have time.” — Sasha
“And you’re so sure you can get them to Worlds, where I couldn’t?” — Darby
“Yes.” — Sasha, blowing Darby off
“When I read what you wrote, it wasn’t … so much a peek into your soul as it was a question of how you’d seen mine.” — Damon, to Kaylie
“I’m done holding back / I dropped the act / I was keeping it together for too long / I’m through running scared / From what’s in there / It’s not perfect / But it’s me” — Damon and Kaylie’s song
“This better be important Jack. I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay.” – Liz
“So you did ninety-nine shows against all odds and reason. That’s something. Now it’s time to rest.” – Hank trying to tell Liz TGS is cancelled
“You want to cancel the only show on your network starring a 42-year-old woman … a show that is number one in its time slot among men 18 to 49 (slight pause) months left in prison?” – Liz
“Can you reminisce about something that happened since I’ve been here ’cause I couldn’t see any of that.” – Danny after Jenna’s flashback
“Tonight TGS will not be the worst thing on television. It’ll be John Stossel.” – Liz
“I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn’t go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.” – Tracy trying to destroy all of the goodwill earned from his dramatic movie role.
“I love your honesty.” – A totally earnest Kelly Ripa
“And what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See, that’s the kind of lazy stand-up I’ll never do again.” – Tracy
“Dammit! I’m getting to old for this shhhhhhhh sound that comes from this gas pipe.” – Tom, the maintenance man
“Did you also have to evacuate the NBC store?” – Liz
“No, it’s just empty.” – Jack
“Everyone would talk about my crazy name choice. Right now, it’s between Frisbee Face and Glock Gender Irrelevant.” – Jenna, considering baby names to draw attention to Jenna
“Excuse me, miss, how much is a lap dance? I’m a little light on cash but I have a PayPal account.” – Liz, trying to lift Tracy’s spirits
“I studied time dilation and quantum teleportation in college.” – Jack
“No you didn’t. You saw Timecop.” – Sideways Jack
“Why are you both wearing tuxedos?” – Jack to Sideways Jack and Past Jack
“It’s after six. What are we … farmers?” – The two gas-leak hallucination Jacks
“If you have a problem, I will fight you Dennis.” – Jack
“That wouldn’t be very fair. I’m only trained to fight four or more men at a time.” – Dennis
“There are three more of me upstairs and I’d be very happy to go get them.” – Jack
“I can’t. I hurt my wrist.” – Dennis
“Look at you … endangering the lives of hundreds of people for a show that TV Guide once called ‘still on.'” – Jack
Clacked by Keith McDuffee 
on May 02, 2011 @ 22:26 EST5EDT
Happy Endings makes me want to watch it, then when i watch it, it insults my intelligence for watching it
It’s the Glee effect.