Barack Obama: President of the United States, professional dad

Being a dad is hard. Being a dad professionally for a country of millions of people, all of whom seem hell-bent upon disagreeing with each other as loudly as possible would be hard enough, but right now our country is, like, at that point where Supernanny usually comes in and makes everything better.

Unfortunately for all of us, there is no Supernanny in the world that can give North Korea a time out while setting ground rules for the economy otherwise it needs to sit in the naughty corner.

So Wednesday night, Obama set out to do his daddying. Maybe not on the best night — he had to contend with Fox’s new lineup they’d been touting (though, thankfully, he finished just in time for Glee. Well played, Mr. President!), but he went before a joint session of Congress Wednesday night to give the country a stern talking-to.

I don’t care if you love him or hate him, you can’t deny that oratorically, this President is kind of boss. And expectations were pretty dang high for him, too. He was supposed to address every single health care concern, but not get too caught up in specifics! Call out the Republicans, but not be partisan! Speak to the people watching, but also to Congress! Remember, sir, this is your last and only chance. Don’t screw it up.

No pressure.

I honestly had pretty low expectations for this speech to be nothing but niceties and platitudes about stuff everyone could agree on. (The health care system needs reform, this pre-existing conditions stuff is nonsense, America, fuck yeah!) But no! Daddy Obama was pissed. He was not going to put up with you kids and your shenanigans anymore!

In this bizarre family sitcom, the Republican party playing the role of the rebellious, douchey teenager. Minority Whip Eric Cantor was caught Twittering on camera. There were many blatant refusals to stand for anything including reforms the Republican party had personally suggested.  One congressman with a big sharpied sign that read “what plan?” And oh yeah, there was Joe Wilson of South Carolina standing up and screaming “You lie!” at Obama when he said that the public option would not cover illegal immigrants. Also, John Boehner looked like Droopy‘s spray-tanned, grumpy brother, but that’s pretty par for course. Also par for the course was the Democratic party’s nearly 30 standing ovations (for chrissakes, Nancy Pelosi, sit down) and blatant sucking up. I almost expected a Republican to stand up, stomp their foot, and go “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” Except who wants to be Jan Brady?

Daddy Obama was having none of it. He started out by trying to place himself as a centrist (the political version of “Kids, don’t make me come in there and separate you two!”), which was sort of expected. Ho hum, thought I. Another boring speech. But then! Then came the pull-no-punches part where called out the death panel supporters as liars, poo-pooed the entire Republican form of debate this summer (which was: “I don’t know what we’re yelling about! Loud noises!!”) And following Joe Wilson’s outburst he shot him a look so full of venom I was honestly surprised he didn’t go, “You sit down and think on what you’ve done, mister.”

And then he played the Ted Kennedy guilt card. Well, played is too mild a word. He milked it. He guilted. He called people out. “For shame, children,” he seemed to say. “You are a disappointment to me, you are a disappointment to your constituents, you are a disappointment to Ted Kennedy, and you are a disappointment to yourselves.”

I have my doubts on if politicians can feel shame (latest rash of sex scandals points to no), but if they can feel in their cold, black little hearts (and that’s a big, big if), they were feeling it Wednesday night.

You see what happens when you make Daddy angry? And next time, you’re grounded.

Clacked by Julia Hass
on Sep 11, 2009 @ 10:05 EST5EDT