Quotation Marks – A super-sized return

Wow! Talk about an embarrassment of riches … for weeks we’ve been starved of the juiciest quotes on TV. Hell, we’ve been starved of anything worth repeating. But never fear, because the fall television season is here … and it’s hot. So let’s jump right in. And keep in mind that we had to trim the list down, so add your favorites in the comments below!

30 Rock

“A middle-aged woman saying ‘dude stuff.’ Is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why, yes it is.” – Jack

“I’m not really necessary. Hmm … the last time I said that I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys.” – Jenna

Bleep My Dad Says

“Okay dishes are done … I swept the floors, wiped down the counters so they look nice … (points) nice, nice, nice … I need to disinfect….” – Henry (nervously)
“Son, sit down. The house is clean. We didn’t accidentally kill a hooker … we had brunch.” – Ed

“I’m sorry … I was rude to you.  You didn’t deserve it, just doing your job. You seem like a perfectly nice homosexual.” – Ed to DMV employee

Chuck

“I don’t normally use the word ‘snatch’ for a myriad of reasons.” – Chuck

Community

“Way to hog all the girls Jeff. You know, when there’s three sprinkled donuts you don’t eat one and lick another.” – Troy
“Anyone object to us being referred to as donuts? No one?” – Britta

Cougar Town

“I don’t get how that’s a drinking game.” – Travis
“We drink while we play it.” – Jules

“It’s 3 o’clock. I have to take the bar tomorrow!” – Smith
“Big whoop. I have to go to the bar tomorrow!” – Laurie

Curb Your Enthusiasm virgin diary

“It’s nice to be affectionate to something German … you don’t get the opportunity that often.” – Larry, explaining his connection to the corpse-sniffing dog

Glee

“The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an up-skirt photo of Betsy Ross.” – Sue to Will and Shannon, after they got the best of her

“Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee club was about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. Buttface McBallnuts? Assbraham Lincolon? They’re not even funny!” -Will
“Oh, don’t be like that, William, I put a lot of thought into those.” – Sue

Gossip Girl

“How could you spend seven hours on a plane with a library of romantic comedies and not find clarity?” – Blair
“Trust me I tried. I even made a list of pros and cons. Dan: Good shoulder to cry on. Nate: Good shoulders.” – Serena

“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.” – Chuck

Grey’s Anatomy
“You think that you are so bad ass ’cause you lived? I’m the reason that you lived. And while you were dying, you were crying out for the wife who left you. So let’s see, opposite of bad ass, for whatever it’s worth.” – Lexi to Alex, who was shot during the Seattle Grace shooting

“I want to be simple because no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.” – Cristina Yang.

Hell’s Kitchen

“I’m a little bit worried about Chef Ramsay’s karma.” – Contestant Raj

How I Met Your Mother

“If I had my dad’s number I’d never not be on the phone with him.” – Barney

“You didn’t happen to bring an umbrella, did you?” – Marshall
“No, I didn’t bring an umbrella.” – Ted

Life Unexpected

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the quarterback type.” – Lux
“Well I was a quarterback, and trust me, we didn’t have a type. Girl … that pretty much covered it.” – Baze

Modern Family

“Okay sue me. I am a Colombian mother.  I’m not going to let him make a mistake that is gonna affect him for the rest of my life … his life.” – Gloria

“Don’t carry me out this time, I think it sends the wrong message to Lilly.” – Mitchell
“Well the neighbors seem to enjoy it.” – Cam

NCIS: LA

“I don’t take kindly to being tailed.” – Hetty
“Well, I’m more of a wing man than a tail man.” – Callen

Raising Hope

“I smoked with you and you’re fine.” – Virginia
“Fine? I had asthma the first seventeen years of my life, I’ve got seven permanent teeth that still haven’t come in, and I’m allergic to fruit. Fruit.” – Jimmy

“Listen, I have a question about this food. It may be a stupid question, but I feel I should ask.” – Jimmy
“I’m sure it’s not stupid.” – Sabrina
“Okay, well, the book says I should feed her vegetables, and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have either pictures of black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don’t know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there’s a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?” – Jimmy
“That is a really good question. The color of the babies on the jars doesn’t matter. However, it’s really important you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it, or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.” – Sabrina

Rules of Engagement

“Oscar, did you see a blond lady with what looks like a smaller blond lady?” – Jeff

“I mean, what do you think? I’m the one doing all the talking.” – Audrey
“It’s been that way since the wedding.” – Jeff

Saturday Night Live

“Blockbuster Video on Thursday filed for bankruptcy protection. Well, Blockbuster, seems our eight year tug-of-war over Tango and Cash has reached its conclusion.” – Seth Meyers, Weekend Update

True Blood

“This don’t make no difference between me and you, boy.” – Calvin
“Well, don’t you think it should?” – Jason

“Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing … and I know I did the right thing.” – Jason

Vampire Diaries

“If this wolf man thing is true, I’ve seen enough movies to know it’s not good. It means Mason Lockwood is a real life Lon Cheney and that little Tyler punk may just very well be Lon Cheney Jr. Which mean Bela Lugosi — meaning me — is totally screwed.” – Damon

Upon finding out that human characteristics are amplified when one becomes a vampire: “I might as well have stayed dead. My entire personality is killing me.” – Caroline

Weeds

“Why didn’t anybody tell me how awesome college is?” – Silas
“Cause you were never gonna go. It would just be mean, like telling a blind person how awesome colors are.” – Shane
“Shut up. I may not be ‘academic’ smart, but I’m smart. I started my own business. I read.” – Silas
“To old dudes in your underwear.” – Shane
“That’s it; you’re going down.” – Silas
“Is that what the old man said?” – Shane

“I tried to read the Bible. I did. But it always felt like a much less awesome Lord of the Rings.” – Doug