A-Caroling with CliqueClack

One of the traditions we like to have around the Clique is butchering the hell out of beloved holiday poems, stories and songs. We first did it in 2008, with our own take on “The Night Before Christmas,” and then again in 2009 with our TV-themed “Twelve Days of Christmas.” This year a few of us decided to contribute some of our own TV-themed holiday songs, sung to the tune of some classics. Enjoy them or not; we all still had fun. Happy holidays!

Oh NBC
by Bob Degon
(To the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”)

Oh NBC, oh NBC,
Your ratings are so dismal.
Your scripted shows are in the tank.
Leno at ten, he really stank.
Oh NBC, oh NBC,
Your ratings are so dismal.

Oh NBC, oh NBC,
Your ratings are abysmal.
Your comedies, they’re quite funny
But even so, you lose money,
Because NBC, oh NBC
Your ratings are abysmal.

Oh NBC, oh NBC,
Your shows are all in fourth place
JJ Abrams, didn’t help at all
Perhaps you’ll do better in the fall
Oh NBC, oh NBC
Your shows are all in fourth place

Oh NBC, oh NBC,
You have some cause to hope now.
Zucker’s out, now that’s a start.
Just make some shows with guts and heart
Oh NBC, oh NBC,
You have some cause to hope now.

You Ignorant Cocksucker
by Keith McDuffee
(To the tune of  “Mele Kalikimaka”)

“You ignorant cocksucker,” is what Al Swearengen says
On a fine, South Dakotan mining day
That’s the Deadwood greeting that he sends to you
From the Gem, where cowboys get laid
There you can drink whiskey ’til you can’t see right
Spend your last mining dollar on their fine cock fights
“You ignorant cocksucker,” is one of hundreds of ways
That Al says he doesn’t like you

Silent Night, Lonely Night
by Michael Noble

It’s a silent night, a lonely night
Fair thee well, Guiding Light!
Dollhouse, Brotherhood, Saving Grace
We’ll miss Lost … and you, too, Head Case
Boy, Jay Leno did suck
Some will still pine for Nip/Tuck.

It’s a silent night, no Conchord’s Flight
Monk’s OCD: What a sight
Cathode rays from the couch afar
You ne’er had a chance, just 2 airings Lone Star
Ruby & The Rockits, forlorn!
Season 2 was not to be born …

Friday night, rating’s strife
A couple episodes then, gone, The Beautiful Life
The Cleaner and The Philanthropist are no longer there
Wave to Benjamin Bratt and our sad billionaire
We wish Defying Gravity Buh-Byyyyyyyyyyyyes!
So long you Reno 911 guys!

The Freelancer Song (or, ‘Was the writing staff for The Walking Dead just fired?’)
by Keith McDuffee
(To the tune of “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)”)

Were the writers for The Walking Dead just fired?
Is this true? Nobody knows
Frank Darabont, whom fans all do admire
Says freelancers are the new way to go

Everybody knows some freelancers are great and some really blow
And already this series is at its height
Zombie guts, here, there, to and fro
It made for must-see TV Sunday nights

We know that season two is on its way
With lots more of those Walkers to be slain
And everyone who saw the finale wants to try
To guess what Jenner whispered before his last goodbye

And so, we wait for 300-or-so more days
Before the premiere of season two
Will freelance writers retain the show’s heightened praise?
Or will it fail and not be renewed?

Oh Rest Ye Gordon Ramsay
by Tara Schrodes
(To the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

Oh rest ye Gordon Ramsay
Let nothing you dismay
I won’t serve you raw halibut
When we have Christmas Day
I’ll rub your feet
Oh no I won’t
Cause that would just be gross
And my husband
Would hate it the most
(He’s funny that way!)
Soooo
F#@king Happy Holiday!

Idol Hell
by Michael Noble
(To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the show
On a mid-week sunny day
O’er my range I’ll go
Scrutinized all the way
Bells in the band do ring
Making tempos bright
What fun! The audience laughs at me
While I butcher my song tonight!

Ooooooooh … Idol Hell, Idol Hell
Idol all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to sing
When we know the judges will slay (us!)
Idol Hell, Idol Hell
Idol all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to sing
While our deathbeds they do lay!

A day or two ago
I thought I’d be all right
My choice I’d picked, t’was good
The lyrics memorized that night
The tune was lean and lank
Misfortune, well, seemed naught
I got into a drifting lull
And then I #@&#$ up a lot!

Ooooooooh … Idol Hell, Idol Hell
Idol, if I may …
It ain’t much fun to sing out loud
When we know the blogs will slay (us!)
Idol Hell, Idol Hell
Idol: What’d you say?
I won’t make it to the very next round
If the votes don’t come my way … ?!?

Dexter Morgan
by Keith McDuffee
(To the tune of “Deck the Halls”)

Dexter Morgan has a story
Fa la la la la, la la la la
I’ll warn you now that it gets gory
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don he now his flaying apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Killed guys who stuffed girls in barrels
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Debra Morgan, Dexter’s sister
Fa la la la la, la la la la
It’s too weird that Dexter kissed her
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Oh, wait that was just the actors
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Divorce. Was awkwardness a factor?
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Angel Batista, homicide
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Investigates when someone dies
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Half the time it’s Dexter’s doing
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
The wrong guy he winds up pursuing
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Dexter works with this guy Vince
Fa la la la la, la la la la
His pick-up lines will make you wince
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Works on blood stuff in the lab
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
When not with hookers catching crabs
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Lastly we’ve got officer Quinn
Fa la la la la, la la la la
He’s pretty sure Dexter’s a villain
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We all know he’s got good reason
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Can’t wait to see the next season
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Draper the Ad Man
By Katie Schenkel
(To the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Draper the ad man is a quiet, somber prick
With a frosty stare, a good head of hair
And two dog tags (one said “Dick”)

Draper is a man that his friends don’t really know
He learned no charm
working on the farm
And his mother was a ho.

He was a lucky bastard to have his commander die
So when they asked for Draper, Dick just answered, “I’m that guy!”

Draper the ad man had to hide his former life
He was suave and neat,
really pissed off Pete
And he cheated on his wife.

Sippity-sip-sip Sippity-sip-sip
Look at Draper drink
Sippity-sip-sip Sippity-sip-sip
Watch him brood and think!

Draper the ad man knew that Salvatore was gay
And that Peggy almost left the firm ’til she gave her kid away.
Down to East Village, with a Menthol in his hand
Sexing up the chick
Who was cool and hip
Until their chemistry panned.

The firm was being sold, so Don stole leads and the workforce.
Betty learned the truth and quickly filed for divorce.

Draper and his firm are just trying to survive
Cradling his scotch,
Draper tells us, “Watch,
We’ll be back for season five.”

Sippity-sip-sip Sippity-sip-sip
Look at Draper drink
Sippity-sip-sip Sippity-sip-sip
Watch him brood and think!