OK. I know the holidays have almost already passed, but most of you have either seen/turned off various Nutcracker versions on TV or visited your local ballet company. If so, I’m hoping you noticed what I did this past week. The Nutcracker is either the most perverted children’s ballet ever or just less than idyllic. Come on, now. A 60-year-old man gives his 12-year-old goddaughter to a 30-year-old man for the night, puts her on a big bed, and then drugs her so she doesn’t remember anything in the morning except some type of drugged-out fantasy. Oh, and did I mention the breaking, entering, and kidnapping? Even if Drosselmeyer isn’t evil, he is a total drama queen. HELLO! Christmas is for the kids. What’s up with appearing a half hour late and rocking a floor length velvet cape?
Still not with me? Well, what about the other members of Clara’s family? Fritz is the pervy, annoying little brother who will probably peep at Clara once she hits puberty. And, Clara’s mom? That’s a walking case of child negligence. She finds her daughter sleeping in the living room on Christmas Eve and LEAVES HER THERE. Hello. It’s the Victorian age. Central heat isn’t exactly common. Plus, did you check out their rat infestation problem? Seriously. If my mother left me unconscious in an unheated room with gigantic rats I think I’d have the right to call Diphys the next day. Oh wait, my parents wouldn’t find me the next day because my godfather kidnapped me. By the by, parents, DO NOT make one of your highly creepy friends the godparent of one of your kids and DO NOT invite him to their parties.
Not on the negative train yet? Let’s try again. Am I the only who views the prince as one part obnoxious and two parts the worst mac daddy out there? I understand he wants to show Clara his kingdom, but, seriously, he makes her walk through a SNOWSTORM while wearing ONE slipper and a thin nightgown? THEN, after arriving and BEFORE letting her sit down, he brags about exterminating ONE rat. Really? If that isn’t horrifying, he forces her to watch lurid dances about food WITHOUT offering her any. Finally, depending on the Nutcracker version, Mother Gigogne is the most horrifying figure out there. So, prince, baby, let me get this straight. You’re trying to get your mac on, but you let your girl watch a woman give birth to over 6 grown children and then suck them back in again. REALLY?
Lest I seem too curmudgeonly, I do love the Nutcracker. Almost every year, I attend a local performance and watch the Baryshnikov version on VHS. In fact a couple years ago when I caught Barbie and the Nutcracker, I was pleasantly surprised by the covert feminist theme. Seriously. Barbie rescued the prince and she didn’t need a shoe to do it. However, this year while watching the Nutcracker, I felt a waitaminute moment creep on. Or, maybe the Nutcracker is like most nineteenth century fairytales. We love it as children, but see a darker side as adults.
So, is it just me or is the Nutcracker the most perverted ballet ever? According to Michael, those of us who read too deeply into children’s classics need help. Feel free to share your favorite or not-so favorite Nutcracker moments.
Clacked by An Nicholson 
on Dec 26, 2010 @ 16:20 EST5EDT
In all the live versions I saw when I was a kid (it was a tradition with me and my mom back in the day), the play ends with the Prince and Clara flying away in the sleigh. We never find out if she got home. That’s the creepiest part to me.
*POST AUTHOR*
You’re right. While the Baryshnikov version shows her waking up the next morning, the ballet version I just saw this week showed her sailing off into the snowset -
We have the traditional Nutcracker out here, but I prefer the burlesque version. Should you ever find yourself in Seattle around the holidays, do check out Land Of The Sweets.
*POST AUTHOR*
I love that you’re plugged into your local Burlesque scene and publicly support them when you get the chance. When I was in London, I saw a bawdy version of the Nutcracker. They did one here as well, but I didn’t get a chance to see it. I probably should’ve, as the adult versions are slightly more honest about the covert themes –
What about Rodulph? He is hated by everyone but Santa, I think he was doing some pervy things with Santa and that’s why he was kept around. Then one fog day when Rodulph and Santa were having some fun Rodulph becomes useful. Only after that does everyone like him?! What does that teach the children? You better be useful otherwise no one will like you. While mainly true, still very depressing to children!