Quotation Marks – Marshpillow, Miley Cyrus, and microvision

Valentine’s Day always brings out the best in our favorite television characters … but only if we define best as anything ranging from complete neuroticism to using the day (and apparently the day before) as the ultimate easy pick up day. Either way it works out for you or your favorite show, Valentine’s Day generally makes for some great quotes here. If we missed your favorite quote this week, share it in the comments below!

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“Much like Valentine’s Day itself, Desperation Day dates back hundreds of years. Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.” – Barney
“That’s actually true!” – Ted
“Wait, there’s more. …” – Barney
“This won’t be -”– Ted
“And right by St. Valentine’s side was his best bro St. Desperatious, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.” – Barney

“Wow, check out that one. … Her body is a perfect X.” – St. Desperatious
“Playa play on … High V.” – St. Valentine

“That neediness reaches its climax (what up) on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has a self-esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.” – Barney

“I call him Marshpillow and he calls … nothing, because he’s a pillow.” – Lily

“They’re actually called British morning socks. … ” – Ted
“Don’t get in your own way.” – Zoey

“Mom, I hate to be that guy, but I’m pretty sure it was Hot Pocket O’Clock like fifteen minutes ago!” – Marshall

“Bev, Anna this is Barney, a high functioning sociopath, and my Ex.” – Robin

“So you were an Olympic gymnast?” – Barney
“Ohh … Gold’s the only thing that really counts.” – Girl
“[Aside] And she’s stuck the landing. …” – Barney

“[To Ted] It’s time to grow up. [Shouted at his mother] Mom! Can you make us PB&Js for the road?” – Marshall

“Oh come on … it’s past midnight. Desperation Day has come and gone, and you have neither come nor gone.” – Robin

The Grammys

“I’m having a fantastic time at the Grammys. I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before … I’ve heard things I’ve never heard before … and that was just backstage with Miley Cyrus …” — Seth Rogan

The Chicago Code (Review)

“So what else can you tell me about the shooter?” – Wysocki
“We know, um … ” – Caleb
“Was he standing? Was he kneeling? Was he right or left-handed? What kind of shoes was he wearing? Drink whiskey or beer? Is he a fan of the great game of baseball or is he a Cubbie lover?” – Wysocki

Desperate Housewives (Review)

“I’m making grilled salmon.  Why did you get a pizza?” — Bree
“Because you’re making grilled salmon.” — Keith

“I love therapy!” — Gaby
“Really?” — Carlos
“Yeah!  It’s like a talk show where I’m the guest and the only topic is me.” — Gaby

“I’m getting a man kidney?” — Susan, upon learning the identity of her donor

“How was the drive over?” — Lynette
“It took forever!  We got behind this Asian woman driver, slow as soy sauce going uphill in winter.” — Frank

“I didn’t want Frank in my house when he was alive, now you want me to hang out with his corpse?” — Lynette
“Throw a sheet over him, spray a little air freshener, you won’t even notice.” — Stella, more concerned about her inheritance than her dead husband

“There’s close and then there’s Glenn Close.” — Susan to her donor/stalker

House

“Who wouldn’t want a cat that croaks if you’re not at home twice a day to shot it up? It’s like having your own button on Lost.” — House

“You’re nothing but excuses and distractions.” — Foreman, to Taub, who wants to watch The Usual Suspects instead of studying
“Well it’s a nice match with your condescension and superiority.” — Taub
“Enjoy the movie. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze.” — Foreman

“He doesn’t need a tutor — he needs Ritalin and a babysitter!” — Foreman

“You fail and I will kill you.” — Foreman

Bob’s Burgers (Review)

“Don’t do sphincter tightening exercises in my restaurant … !!!” — Bob

“Well, we’d better get going.” – Gene
“Yeah, that dead seal down at the pier isn’t going to poke itself.” – Louise

Being Human (Review)

“Why does it sound like the house is going to eat us?” – Aidan

“You remember neither of us actually eats, right?” — Sally
“Well fake it, you know? Do what all the anorexic girls in my high school used to do. Push your food around, nibble, pretend to chew, whatever! I don’t care. We are all sitting down to a hot, delicious meal together!” — Josh

“Are you OK?” — Aidan
“Oh yeah, I’m awesome. I’m incredible. I mean, who wouldn’t want to meet their were-dad?” – Josh

Hawaii 5-0 (Review)

“Come on. What is the matter with you? You need help. I will pay for it.” — Danno to McGarrett after blowing up a shop

“At least you didn’t call me your father.” — Chin Ho to the bartender who refused to card him

No Ordinary Family (Review)

“Stephanie’s got a taste of the crime-fighting bug and me think she likey.” – George

Glee (Review)

“Dude, that hair makes your mouth look even bigger.” – Puck, commenting on Sam’s Bieber ‘do

“I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios.” – Sue after Sam’s Bieber solo

“You know there’s only one ‘i’ in diva, Rachel, and that ‘i’ is me.” – Mercedes

“Most teachers think by cutting class I might improve my grades.” – Brittany

“Listen Rachel, I’m going to give you some tough love right now. You’re not a trend-setter. When people look at you they don’t see what you’re wearing. They see a cat getting its temperature taken, then they hear it screaming.” – Brittany

NCIS: LA

“Oh hey guys, what did Eric do with the video?” — Kensi
“He shut down the internet.” — Sam
“What, the whole internet?” — Kensi
“Yeah.” — Sam
“Even Twitter? Woah.” – Deeks

Modern Family (Review)

“I DON’T WANT TO EAT THE FISH, THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.” — Gloria
“What kind of voice is that?” — Jay
“I am a bear.” — Gloria
“A bear? I was going to get a crucifix.” — Jay

“It is amazing the freaks we used to date.” — Mitchell, to Claire on the phone
“Hallo Gov’nah!” — Cam, entering from the other room, dressed as Fizbo

Top Chef

“I’m going straight from judges’ table to a parent/teacher conference.” –Anthony Bourdain about their early morning elimination challenge

“I think he’s going for that late night, comfort stoner food. Have you given this guy a urine test?” – Bourdain on Dale’s grilled cheese and tomato soup

“I’m always happy to see runny eggs, particularly at 3 o’clock in the morning.” – Bourdain on Antonia’s dish

“You’ve got that surreal mix of goofy and devious.” – Bourdain on Dale’s “ironed” grilled cheese

American Idol (Review and Review)

“This is what I joined forces with American Idol for. Freddie Mercury is smiling down at you right now.” — Steven Tyler after a group performance of Queen’s “Somebody To Love”

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“There’s no such thing as a bad idea … just poorly executed awesome ones. ” – Damon

Survivor (Review)

“They’re sizing us up like we’re prey.” — Francesca, as Rob and Russell arrive

“You have the most impressive man-sweater I’ve ever seen.” — Mike admiring Ralph’s hirsute torso

“I don’t know how it happened.  How did I get stuck with the old, annoying guy in the droopy, fuchsia … briefs?  He’s such a pain in my ass … Did I mention that we’re in an alliance together?  [sarcastically] How awesome.” — Francesca reacting to Phillip

Community (Review)

“Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly.” — Troy

“I don’t want to die in a place like this. People shouldn’t die in the same place People magazines do.” — Annie

“It’s called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.” – Britta

“Usually if I need to cheer up, I just make fun of Pierce. Now … it’d just make me sadder. It’s Gregory Hines all over again.” – Troy

“In my absence, you’ll be the new black sheep — I’m sorry, that’s offensive — black swan …” – Pierce to Shirley

“You know what Dylan Thomas said about death?” – Britta
“No, tell me.” — Pierce
“Okay, bluff called.” – Britta

“SET PHASERS TO ‘LOVE ME!’” – Troy after not being able to talk to LeVar Burton

30 Rock (Review)

“I’m giving up, Jenna. I did the math. How many times does a woman meet Mr. Right? I had three chances: Floyd, Carol, and once in an elevator, Tom Brokaw. I blew all three … opportunities!” – Liz

Supernatural (Review)

“I might have done … who knows what. And you want me to just forget about it?” — Sam
“You shove it down, and you let it come out in spurts of violence and alcoholism.” — Dean
“Sounds healthy.” — Sam
“Well it works for me.” — Dean

“Where to?” — Sam
“Patterson, New Jersey. Hey, maybe we’ll have a Snookie sighting.” — Dean
“What’s a Snookie?” — Sam
“That’s a good question.” – Dean

Bones

“Speaking clock isn’t helpful.” — Hodgins

“You’re a woman with a very open mind.” — Clark
“Is this going to get creepy?” – Angela

Nikita (Review)

“I don’t laugh at your jokes because I have a sense of humor.” — Michael

“If god is in the details, then I am a god.” – Birkhoff

Fringe (Review)

“Like a flash mob of suicide.” — Walter

“Dear God. Is it ‘Second-Guess Everything I Do Day?’ Because I haven’t been informed.” — Walter

Smallville (Review)

“Microvision?” — Lois
“It’s my power. I can call it whatever I want.” – Clark