Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me

It’s common knowledge I love CBS Sunday Morning. There’s nothing that satisfies and gets a Sunday morn on the move like a hot cup of Joe at my side, Charles Osgood anchoring in festive bowtie on my television set and new and interesting nuggets of knowledge being fed to my synapses.

However … not everything can be bright, colorful rainbows shooting out a unicorn’s backside while it frolics in a lush, green field contentedly, as was evidenced a few weeks ago courtesy of Martha Teichner when she slighted a classic ’60’s instrumental piece. As well, I got my trigger tripped this past Sunday by an opinion purporting some how tos and whatfors on baby naming, this time from Faith Salie who may or may not know what she’s talking about:

I took issue with a lot of the things Ms. Saile decried. And it occurred to me if she can opine on things she is just coming into learning, surely someone like myself is just as qualified (if not more so) to offer sage advice as a father who has experience in the naming process.

Let’s dissect what she said in the piece above first, however, and comment were appropriate:

“Have you ever had to name a baby? Probably. About 80% of American women eventually have kids and I’m pretty sure 100% of them get names.”

Cheeky and cute … isn’t she?

“I have to name a baby. I’m having a boy in a few weeks.”

The way she put that, it sounded as if it was more of a chore than a joy for her to do so, didn’t it? (Though later it’s noted she and her husband “easily agreed on a name,” so I’ll let her slide on this one.)

“Names matter. As the Romans said: “Nomen est omen” — name is destiny. Recent research says that people with unfortunate names are more likely to smoke, be less educated and have lower self-esteem. Some employers are less likely to interview job candidates with black sounding names.“

I sure would like to see this “recent research.” She doesn’t site said analysis and, if anything, it sounds as if the research is conducive to her report specifically. Not that there isn’t any validity to what she states, but I’m skeptical to say the least. To me, she’s put just enough spin on it to make “unfortunate names” sound off-putting.

I don’t doubt people with unfortunate names have suffered poor social circumstances and awkward uncomfortableness. Ungainly “handles” can be a challenge. I have a buddy whose name is Ricky Riccardo. And … he’s a junior. Tell me that hasn’t made for endless spates of the same damned joke, ad nauseum. But you know what? He’s just fine. Normal, everyday dude with the unfortunate caveat of me being his good friend.

And, yes … preferences and differences between one person and another happen. Even between a hiring employer up the street versus another across town. It’s a big, bad world out there and life isn’t always fair and equitable. But is Ms. Saile blaming the parents for naming their child a particular way, based on there particular beliefs and likes and preferences and family history and traditions if one so chooses to exercise them? Life circumstances shouldn’t be considered when it comes time for some couple to name their kid? Who died and made Faith Saile boss? Give me a break.

“Boys with feminine names have more discipline problems in school. A boy named Sue might want to sue his folks.”

Huh, buoy. Did she really pull this little reference out her posterior to make a point? The only boy named “Sue” I’ve ever heard of is the fictional one who came out my parents 1960’s stereo console courtesy of “At Folsom Prison” by the late, great Johnny Cash. This was one of the dumbest parts of her story she could have uttered. And then to go and suggest the kid sue his parents … well … that’s just the American way, right?

Clacked by Michael Noble
on Apr 17, 2012 @ 15:09 EST5EDT