Big Love: How many wives are too many?

by Aryeh S.

Not a common question, I’ll grant you. But with Big Love returning January 18^thon HBO, it seems like a pretty reasonable one. My wife (yep, just the one for right now) and I caught season two again recently and had forgotten how the finale ended. Bill (Bill Paxton) and Ana (Branka Katic) share an intimate moment at the end of the episode, reviving the possibility that Bill’s in the market for wife number four.

Four you say? You heard me right. There are no words. One is hard enough. Yes, they love you, support you, blah blah blah. But they’re also crazy and have their own manual that it can take years to master. And you can’t even read it all before you start; they write it as you go.

So, okay, the argument for polygamy always involves the point that more wives help shoulder the load at home. That’s fine, I accept that. We’ll ignore for the moment that you can’t make this argument by using the example that one wife couldn’t keep up with three houses and seven kids; one wife would only have one and three, respectively. But I hear the argument nonetheless. However, what about the other half of the equation? What about the crazy cubed?

That’s right, not times three, but cubed. Bill has three wives; Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn), Nicki (Chloë Sevigny) and Margie (Ginnifer Goodwin). At some point in season one, Barb decided to forget that the decision to become polygamist was hers as much as it was Bill’s and is now trying to essentially live as if it were just him, her and two babysitters. Margie’s no more than a child, only a few years older than Bill’s and Barb’s oldest daughter and son. She’s reckless and irresponsible, allowing herself to be set up on dates as well as agreeing, at the end of the season, to be a surrogate mother. A walking disaster for a patriarch trying to keep his family life in the shadows.

And then there’s Nicki. Nicolette Grant, daughter of the infamous prophet of the Juniper Creek Compound, Roman Grant. Nicki brings the fire and brimstone of Juniper Creek raining down on her almost as often as Bill does. And it’s not as if she’s better behaved at home. She’s driven up $60,000 in secret credit card debt, and has begun playing bingo with money stolen from the compound tithes. Nicki’s life is teetering on the edge, the ties that she feels towards Juniper Creek sometimes so tight that she puts it before her obligations to her husband and sister-wives. Nicki’s a handful and a half.

Each wife has a typical television personality (it’s all relative in TV-land, no?). Each wife is married to each wife, providing one another with built-in support and friendship. And Henrickson’s married to all three. He fields calls all day from three women who need him to run errands, remind him of obligations or are simply looking to vent. In the evening, he comes back to his houses and sits down to dinner with all three, juggling the typical dinnertime problems times three. Each night, he retires to one of three houses to focus on just one wife. And the next night he moves on to the second, the next night the third, and on and on. In season one, we learned that Bill was taking Viagra; not because he had a problem, but rather because he couldn’t keep up with the demand. Not the good problem you’d think it would be.

I’m certainly not judging Bill and his wives. I enjoy the show, and each woman brings something wonderful to the screen. Neither was I disparaging of Barb, Margie or Nicki above. Rather, I was marveling at the craziness that each brings to their marriage. With each other and with Bill. It’s a crazy environment, and a lot of fun.

So how many wives are too many? Let’s put it this way; for marrieds, the safest bet is to maintain the status quo. You’ve found your better half, so don’t be stupid enough to let her get away. If you’re still looking, keep on keeping on. Polygamist already? You’re a stronger man than I. But let’s call it enough and just enjoy what you currently have. So Bill, Ana does seem nice, but you’ve got plenty cubed to handle already. Sometimes it’s okay to just say no.